On Choices, Regrets, and Guilt : Some Key Realizations

We have been there. It’s post-midnight. Your pitch-black room barely illuminates from a narrow beam of moonlight. Rolled up in the darkness, all you can see is a faint image of your ceiling and what seems like a shadow demon staring at you from the corner. But you care less for tonight. Your thoughts are much darker.

We have been there because all of us have made terrible choices in the past — whether it be a decision that would have put you in a better place or something that has hurt someone in unimaginable ways. And these choices hurt us. Most of the time, we cannot forgive ourselves for what we’ve done. Other times, we end up contemplating our present as things could have been different if we had taken some other choices. 

I have been experiencing such nights for quite a long time now. Having a brain that likes to show me flashbacks of every deplorable and embarrassing moment of my past doesn’t do much justice to my sleepy eyes. 

However, I have come up with some recent realizations that have helped me, at least a little, on such nights and I’d like to share them with you today. 

I believe we are always bound to regret our actions. This stands true because any choice we make in our lives results in different realities in the future. These realities tempt us because we don't know what it looks like. For instance, one of my biggest choice-induced sadness comes from my college decision. I had the privilege to choose in between two prestigious colleges, each with its unique pros and cons. After a month of rigorous exploration, I finalized what I felt like a rational and personal decision. 

Now, I often find myself contemplating my choice as I find myself pondering upon the lucrative opportunities of the other choice and how my life would have been much different. However, if I had taken the other choice, my guilt of not taking the present choice would have broken me even more. This shows we are always bound to regret our actions because our desire to get what we don’t have is always stronger than what we currently possess. A way of ending the chain of guilt for me comes with this very realization. 

However, the regret does not end there. Because if I have a justification for my choice now, I would obviously have a justification for the other choice in an alternate reality. Our brain has weird ways of validating our present, one way or the another. So what if our choice was indeed dumb?

The answer to this, for me, then proceeds to stoic philosophy. If we are always bound to feel the guilt of missed opportunity, it’s certain that these emotions will grow stronger when are much weaker. So a way to avoid that state is by utilizing the pros of your choice to mitigate the cons. This means, if I chose X course instead of Y, I have to now divert my focus at X with all that I have got so that I excel so much that the guilt of not taking Y fades away and does not consume me at my worst. Negative emotions are helpful when they are diverted to improve yourself. 

Furthermore, I believe that there isn’t such a thing as choosing a bad option when it comes to privileged choices. Life moves on and it moves for the better. I would still have been moving on with life if I had taken a much worse decision. The thing is, our future is so ambiguous we don’t know what choice leads us to what particular reality. We never know what is meant to be as life isn’t particularly algorithms under our control. I believe the thing about life is that it just moves on and choices are just small indicators of where we go. The majority of our thoughts are bounded to who we are and how we define ourselves despite the circumstances. We are not our circumstances. 

Now comes the harder part — our choices that have hurt people and hurt us. Whether it be doing something stupid, choosing the wrong person to date, or sabotaging someone’s life, the guilt stabs us like a knife and guts us out empty. 

I am not trying to justify those choices. Some choices are inherently deplorable and you should be responsible for them. However, a crucial thing to understand is that having the guilt, i.e. seeing that the choices you made were wrong, itself stands as the foundation that you are growing as a person and aren’t the person who made that choice. 

A crucial thing to understand is that we are not our past. While they are a part of us, they are not entirely us. This is because as humans, we constantly change and evolve. Therefore, there’s always an option to move away from those choices to make a fresh start, even if you’re way too deep into heroin. 

However, this does not mean we are free from our bad choices. A part of changing is also to fix the wrongs that we have done and be responsible. One of my biggest regrets was that while growing up, I was extremely racist. I used to constantly mock a friend for the color of his skin. After coming up with the realization of how unfair and unethical it was of me, the regret eat me dry. But one day, I took up the courage and talked with him, sincerely apologized for what had happened, and took responsibility for my actions. He took it rationally and we ended up having a really good time together. 

That night, I could sleep much more peacefully than the previous nights. Since then, I have opened up to people about my guilt and taken responsibility for many of my actions. And this shows that I am not my past — not that racist, not that sexist, not that self-righteous egoist. 

It’s similar to choices that hurt us, like for instance choosing the wrong person to date. While events like these traumatize us, I believe there’s always a learning opportunity in them. In this stance, dating the wrong person teaches you what not to seek the next time. We are always learning from our choices and that constantly helps us become a better version of ourselves. 

I believe humans need redemption and they can always be better when given the opportunity and privilege to correct their wrongs. Therefore, the turn-bout takes place when you realize that you are not your past, that with every passing second and every single choice you are forming a new identity. The key is to just be a bit kinder to yourself and not run away from yourself.